Help, my child is defiant

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What to do if you have little energy and your child is defiant?

• Make sure your child doesn’t hurt themselves during a tantrum.

• Show them that you are there, and leave your child alone, if possible. Words and comfort are of no use in such moments, and sometimes only make things worse.

• After the tantrum your child will need comfort and closeness, and will be more receptive to words.

Threats and punishments don’t prevent tantrums, but exacerbate them.

Tantrums are part of a child's development. It’s how they practice dealing with their emotions. It’s important.
Your child is angry because of the situation or with themselves. It's not about you. Tantrums are not the result of poor upbringing.

What can you do to reduce tantrums and regain your energy?

• Observe your child to recognise critical moments. Thirst, hunger, illness, boredom, tiredness or excessive demands can increase the likelihood of a tantrum.

• Plan enough time for transitions. Children don't like to be torn from their sleep or play, and need more time to adjust to new things. Keep this in mind when planning your day.

• Less is often more. Giving too many or constant instructions, such as ‘Be quiet!’ or ‘Watch out!’ makes children anxious and can make them stop listening or refuse to listen.

• Encourage your child to be independent. Encourage your child to do something, and don't intervene too soon. It helps if you allow them plenty of time.

• Think about yourself. Arrange regular time-outs. Is there someone who you like who can support you?

Contact your parental adviser or paediatrician if …

... your child can't escape his or her distress and the tantrums don't stop.

Why and how do children become defiant?

Between the ages of 18 and 24 months, children take a significant developmental step. They discover themselves as independent beings and begin to explore the world with confidence. However, they keep coming up against limits. These limits can be rules and prohibitions from parents, limits to their own abilities or limits imposed by the world around them. Your child often doesn't succeed in doing things the way he or she would like. This is frustrating, and can make them angry and desperate. Children have tantrums at this age because they haven’t yet learned to deal with their emotions. These experiences are very important for children. They learn to deal with their emotions as well as stress and frustration. That’s why experts call it the autonomy phase. It is not defiance that is crucial in this phase of life, but rather becoming independent.

How and when do children become defiant?

The 'defiant phase' usually starts at 18 months and lasts until the child is around four-and-a-half. The phase varies in intensity depending on the child. Silent protest or retreating into their room can also be an expression of defiance, depending on temperament.
Children get increasingly better at dealing with their emotions from the age of three. Language helps them to calm down and to better express themselves. This usually reduces tantrums.

Sources:
www.fuerslebengut.ch